Pam
09-06-2001, 02:28 PM
By Terry Martin, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology at Hood College. He maintains a private practice specializing in grief counseling.
-and-
Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., is a Lutheran Minister and Professor of Gerontology at the College a Lutheran minister and professor of gerontology at the College of New Rochelle. Dr. Doka is the associate editor of Omega, and editor of Journeys, Hospice Foundation of America’s newsletter for the bereaved.
Adapted from Living With Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve, the companion to the April 22 teleconference of the Hospice Foundation of America.
Our theory of "masculine" grief challenged the notion that healthy grieving requires that people ventilate their feelings. Cognitive and active strategies turned out to work just as well. But we were then confronted with the fact that many women used these "masculine" strategies. Conversely, we found that some men grieved like most women. The truth is that people fall somewhere on a continuum and can grieve most effectively if they utilize the strategies most right for them.
Susan: A case study in conventional or "feminine" grief
Susan was overwhelmed by unremitting, agonizing feelings when her fiancé was killed in an industrial accident. She cried openly and often. As the weeks went by, Susan found solace in confiding her feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and despair to a sympathetic and understanding neighbor. After a sudden panic attack, Susan entered counseling. Using the client-centered approach pioneered by Carl Rogers (for more on this leader in humanistic psychology, click here), the counselor facilitated Susan’s efforts to purge herself of the painful feelings by continually eliciting Susan’s memories of her fiancé and supporting her need to cry. The counselor also referred Susan to a support group for survivors of traumatic losses. By the second anniversary of her fiancé’s death, Susan felt back in control of her feelings and her life.
Rebecca: A case study in masculine grief
Rebecca’s husband also died accidentally; he was electrocuted while helping his best friend install a satellite dish. Although she initially was overwhelmed by his death, Rebecca did not experience chronic or incapacitating feelings, nor did she have any particular desire to share her grief with anyone else. She dedicated herself to parenting her two young sons and comforting her husband’s best friend. She ultimately, and symbolically, held the ladder for the friend as he completed installation of the satellite dish. At first, Rebecca’s friends and family were concerned that she was bottling up her grief and would eventually crash. Two years after the death, she had not crashed; instead, she remarried and eventually gave birth to twin girls.
Strategies for Conventional Grievers
• Joining support groups
• Identifying others in their environment as sources of support and understanding
• Allowing time to experience inner pain
• Openly expressing feelings
• Temporarily withdrawing from, or limiting, obligations that might interfere with their ability to experience and express their feelings
• Choosing other mediums for the expression of feelings (e.g., keeping a personal journal, bibliotherapy)
Strategies for Masculine Grievers
• Shelving thoughts and feelings in order to meet obligations, then dosing them when it is appropriate
• Choosing active means of expressing grief (e.g., physical exercise, competitive sports, hobbies, creating a memorial)
• Using humor or other ways of expressing feelings (but managing anger and aggression)
• Seeking companionship (in lieu of support)
• Using solitude as a way of reflection, adaptation
• Bibliotherapy, maintaining a journal
This is not to say that "masculine" grievers should avoid talking about their grief, but they should try to make that communication compatible with their own style. For example, masculine grievers may be more comfortable discussing reactions rather than feelings.
It is crucial that no one be mistaken as a masculine griever when, in fact, the absence of outward distress may signal future problems. The key point, however, is that masculine grieving is genuine, not an artifact of the John Wayne Syndrome, and that grievers should choose an adaptive style that works for them, not for others.
Used without persmission: copyright © 1998, Terry L. Martin and Kenneth J. Doka
From the Spirituality & Health Magazine website,
http://www.spiritualityhealth.com/about/cont/martin.html
-and-
Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., is a Lutheran Minister and Professor of Gerontology at the College a Lutheran minister and professor of gerontology at the College of New Rochelle. Dr. Doka is the associate editor of Omega, and editor of Journeys, Hospice Foundation of America’s newsletter for the bereaved.
Adapted from Living With Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve, the companion to the April 22 teleconference of the Hospice Foundation of America.
Our theory of "masculine" grief challenged the notion that healthy grieving requires that people ventilate their feelings. Cognitive and active strategies turned out to work just as well. But we were then confronted with the fact that many women used these "masculine" strategies. Conversely, we found that some men grieved like most women. The truth is that people fall somewhere on a continuum and can grieve most effectively if they utilize the strategies most right for them.
Susan: A case study in conventional or "feminine" grief
Susan was overwhelmed by unremitting, agonizing feelings when her fiancé was killed in an industrial accident. She cried openly and often. As the weeks went by, Susan found solace in confiding her feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and despair to a sympathetic and understanding neighbor. After a sudden panic attack, Susan entered counseling. Using the client-centered approach pioneered by Carl Rogers (for more on this leader in humanistic psychology, click here), the counselor facilitated Susan’s efforts to purge herself of the painful feelings by continually eliciting Susan’s memories of her fiancé and supporting her need to cry. The counselor also referred Susan to a support group for survivors of traumatic losses. By the second anniversary of her fiancé’s death, Susan felt back in control of her feelings and her life.
Rebecca: A case study in masculine grief
Rebecca’s husband also died accidentally; he was electrocuted while helping his best friend install a satellite dish. Although she initially was overwhelmed by his death, Rebecca did not experience chronic or incapacitating feelings, nor did she have any particular desire to share her grief with anyone else. She dedicated herself to parenting her two young sons and comforting her husband’s best friend. She ultimately, and symbolically, held the ladder for the friend as he completed installation of the satellite dish. At first, Rebecca’s friends and family were concerned that she was bottling up her grief and would eventually crash. Two years after the death, she had not crashed; instead, she remarried and eventually gave birth to twin girls.
Strategies for Conventional Grievers
• Joining support groups
• Identifying others in their environment as sources of support and understanding
• Allowing time to experience inner pain
• Openly expressing feelings
• Temporarily withdrawing from, or limiting, obligations that might interfere with their ability to experience and express their feelings
• Choosing other mediums for the expression of feelings (e.g., keeping a personal journal, bibliotherapy)
Strategies for Masculine Grievers
• Shelving thoughts and feelings in order to meet obligations, then dosing them when it is appropriate
• Choosing active means of expressing grief (e.g., physical exercise, competitive sports, hobbies, creating a memorial)
• Using humor or other ways of expressing feelings (but managing anger and aggression)
• Seeking companionship (in lieu of support)
• Using solitude as a way of reflection, adaptation
• Bibliotherapy, maintaining a journal
This is not to say that "masculine" grievers should avoid talking about their grief, but they should try to make that communication compatible with their own style. For example, masculine grievers may be more comfortable discussing reactions rather than feelings.
It is crucial that no one be mistaken as a masculine griever when, in fact, the absence of outward distress may signal future problems. The key point, however, is that masculine grieving is genuine, not an artifact of the John Wayne Syndrome, and that grievers should choose an adaptive style that works for them, not for others.
Used without persmission: copyright © 1998, Terry L. Martin and Kenneth J. Doka
From the Spirituality & Health Magazine website,
http://www.spiritualityhealth.com/about/cont/martin.html