Jude
06-30-2004, 09:55 AM
Everyone enjoyed the humor so much in the thread For everyone who has a fur baby (http://www.johnedwardtalk.org/showthread.php?t=10822), that I thought I'd post another.
Enjoy! :wave:
Rules For Cats
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get doors open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, snow, rain, or the mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you must throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, a shag rug will do. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so the streak is as long as the bare human foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
RULES FOR HAMPERING:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you lie on the book itself.
3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner to obscure as much of the work as possible, or pretend to doze but every so often reach out and slap the pen or pencil.
4. For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: Hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed a second time, push pens, pencils, erasers off the table, one at a time.
5. When a human is holding a newspaper in front of them, be sure to jump on the back of the newspaper. Humans love to jump.
6. When a human is working on the computer, jump on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen.
WALKING: Frequently, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on the stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, or when they get up in the morning. This will help with their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick out as much litter as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where humans can't find you. Don't come out for 3 or 4 hours under any circumstances. This will cause humans to panic (which they love) thinking you have run away or are lost.
Once you come out, they will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially the face, turn around and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget their guests.
:meow:
Enjoy! :wave:
Rules For Cats
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get doors open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, snow, rain, or the mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you must throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, a shag rug will do. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so the streak is as long as the bare human foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
RULES FOR HAMPERING:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you lie on the book itself.
3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner to obscure as much of the work as possible, or pretend to doze but every so often reach out and slap the pen or pencil.
4. For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: Hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed a second time, push pens, pencils, erasers off the table, one at a time.
5. When a human is holding a newspaper in front of them, be sure to jump on the back of the newspaper. Humans love to jump.
6. When a human is working on the computer, jump on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen.
WALKING: Frequently, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on the stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, or when they get up in the morning. This will help with their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick out as much litter as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where humans can't find you. Don't come out for 3 or 4 hours under any circumstances. This will cause humans to panic (which they love) thinking you have run away or are lost.
Once you come out, they will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially the face, turn around and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget their guests.
:meow: