Stephanie
02-09-2006, 11:33 AM
An Open Letter to My Pets (Author Unknown)
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is ! not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door:
>All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>1. They live here. You don't.
>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
>furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
>son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
>clearly.
>Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
>1. Eat less
>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>3. Are easier to train
>4. Usually come when called
>5. Never drive your car
>6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
>7. Don't smoke or drink
>8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
>9. Don't wear your clothes
>10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is ! not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door:
>All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>1. They live here. You don't.
>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
>furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
>son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
>clearly.
>Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
>1. Eat less
>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>3. Are easier to train
>4. Usually come when called
>5. Never drive your car
>6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
>7. Don't smoke or drink
>8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
>9. Don't wear your clothes
>10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.