Gail
08-28-2006, 01:17 PM
>> Psychics say all predictions of the future 'baseless' now that Pluto has been reassigned
By: Jimmy Patterson
08/25/2006
Email to a friend Post a Comment Printer-friendly By Jimmy Patterson
Editor
The abrupt and unceremonial demotion of Pluto from planet to "dwarf planet" status means all fortune-telling bets are off, according to the League of Interplanetary Psychics, a group of West Hollywood, Calif., astrologists.
I. Knowitahl, president of LIP, said with Pluto out of the picture, no futures can be predicted with any degree of accuracy until further notice.
"The planets have to line up just so for futures to be predicted with precision, Knowitahl said. "If one planet is out of kilter, we can no more know when the world is going to end than some two-bit, hustling, street-corner crystal ball reader from New Orleans."
The change in Pluto's status sent ripples through the psychic world Thursday, prompting some fortune-tellers to admit utter confusion at what the future holds.
"All these years we've been espousing that the end of the world was near," said one psychic. "No one even saw the end of Pluto coming. We should probably start on a smaller scale next time and see if we can successfully predict the end of Mercury maybe, before we go off and start talking end-of-the-world stuff."
Supermarket tabloids to be released next week are said to contain vicious renditions of "the real and untold story" of Pluto's demise. Sample headlines on tabloids next week are said to include, "Pluto runs off with Uranus" ... "Ninth planet threatens to blow itself up after demotion" ... and, "Pluto's moons said to be nearing mutiny and are openly questioning why they must continue to revolve around something that's not even a planet anymore."
Scientists with high-powered telescopes Thursday say they are carefully monitoring Pluto, which they say appears to be "a sad, disgruntled shell of its former self."
"At one point," one astronmer said, "it appeared the former planet attempted to morph itself into an asteroid and hurtle itself toward earth, but was quickly given a sedative."
Pluto is said to be relaxing comfortably in a planetarium designed to treat intergalactic depression and plummeting, galactic-sized self-esteem issues.
Mortimer Plunk, a renowned astronomer specializing in planetary emotions, says the planetarium in which Pluto is receiving treatment has "worked wonders throughout the millennia with planets that are facing serious emotional issues and in fact has often provided comfort to Earth, which has been bi-polar since its creation."
Other matters of concern brought on by Pluto's change of status include:
-- With its demotion, Pluto's membership in the United Nations also appears to be in jeopardy.
-- Wal-Mart officials are expressing concern that Pluto's demise has left them abundantly over-stocked with small styrofoam balls that for years students have used to signify Pluto in science fair projects,
-- and the pilot for a new NBC sit-com sequel, "9th Rock from the Sun," with John Lithgow, has been shelved. ---
The preceding was intended as a humorous work of fiction.
©MyWestTexas.com 2006
By: Jimmy Patterson
08/25/2006
Email to a friend Post a Comment Printer-friendly By Jimmy Patterson
Editor
The abrupt and unceremonial demotion of Pluto from planet to "dwarf planet" status means all fortune-telling bets are off, according to the League of Interplanetary Psychics, a group of West Hollywood, Calif., astrologists.
I. Knowitahl, president of LIP, said with Pluto out of the picture, no futures can be predicted with any degree of accuracy until further notice.
"The planets have to line up just so for futures to be predicted with precision, Knowitahl said. "If one planet is out of kilter, we can no more know when the world is going to end than some two-bit, hustling, street-corner crystal ball reader from New Orleans."
The change in Pluto's status sent ripples through the psychic world Thursday, prompting some fortune-tellers to admit utter confusion at what the future holds.
"All these years we've been espousing that the end of the world was near," said one psychic. "No one even saw the end of Pluto coming. We should probably start on a smaller scale next time and see if we can successfully predict the end of Mercury maybe, before we go off and start talking end-of-the-world stuff."
Supermarket tabloids to be released next week are said to contain vicious renditions of "the real and untold story" of Pluto's demise. Sample headlines on tabloids next week are said to include, "Pluto runs off with Uranus" ... "Ninth planet threatens to blow itself up after demotion" ... and, "Pluto's moons said to be nearing mutiny and are openly questioning why they must continue to revolve around something that's not even a planet anymore."
Scientists with high-powered telescopes Thursday say they are carefully monitoring Pluto, which they say appears to be "a sad, disgruntled shell of its former self."
"At one point," one astronmer said, "it appeared the former planet attempted to morph itself into an asteroid and hurtle itself toward earth, but was quickly given a sedative."
Pluto is said to be relaxing comfortably in a planetarium designed to treat intergalactic depression and plummeting, galactic-sized self-esteem issues.
Mortimer Plunk, a renowned astronomer specializing in planetary emotions, says the planetarium in which Pluto is receiving treatment has "worked wonders throughout the millennia with planets that are facing serious emotional issues and in fact has often provided comfort to Earth, which has been bi-polar since its creation."
Other matters of concern brought on by Pluto's change of status include:
-- With its demotion, Pluto's membership in the United Nations also appears to be in jeopardy.
-- Wal-Mart officials are expressing concern that Pluto's demise has left them abundantly over-stocked with small styrofoam balls that for years students have used to signify Pluto in science fair projects,
-- and the pilot for a new NBC sit-com sequel, "9th Rock from the Sun," with John Lithgow, has been shelved. ---
The preceding was intended as a humorous work of fiction.
©MyWestTexas.com 2006