Gratitude: The final stage of grief?

[Pam]

As I've said before, "gratitude" is a theme that keeps coming up for me, everywhere I turn. It seems that every time I pick up a book or a magazine, the subject of gratitude is being discussed.

In the Sept. - Nov. 2002 issue of IONS (Institute of Noetic Sciences) there was the following discussion, an interview of Rachel Remen who according to the writer says of Remen,

SHE IS ONE OF OUR CULTURE'S great wisdom keepers and storytellers. A physician who abandoned the fast track at one of America's high-prestige medical schools, Rachel Naomi Remen forged a different path, drawing on inner resources she developed while dealing with her own serious chronic illness. For more than twenty years, she has been a therapist for people facing chronic and terminal illnesses, and is cofounder and medical director of the pioneering Commonweal Cancer Help Program in Bolinas, California. Her work was featured on Bill Moyers' landmark PBS television series, Healing and the Mind. She is currently clinical professor of family and community medicine at the University of California at San Francisco School of Medicine.


REMEN: Many experts on loss have made statements about the process of loss and grief. And you know, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are quite useful as far as they go. According to Kubler-Ross, the final stage in the healing process of loss is acceptance.

REDWOOD: Yes.

REMEN: I don't think so. I never thought so. I have counseled people with life-threatening illness who have lost relationships, and capacities, and valuable parts of their bodies. In my experience of watching people heal from loss, the final step is gratitude. And wisdom. That's the final step of the healing from loss. It doesn't make cognitive sense, but it makes deep emotional and spiritual sense. I see that emerging, here and there, just a little bit. I feel it in myself. I have very unusual thoughts and ideas these days.


The entire article can be found here:
Growing in Wisdom: Learning to Love Better
http://www.myions.org/Online%20Library/nsrev/review_archives/issue61/r61redwood.htm

[elfilosophy]

I'm thinking that these are often the same thing.

To be able to reach, in ones grief, the stage of acceptance is to understand what it is to be grateful that you had the time with that person that you had.

To be grateful for something is to accept the existance of it and appreciate it as well.

To reach a stage af acceptance, is to move on, focusing on what was "good" and "positive" about what you had before you lost it, and is that not also gratitude?

Laurie.

[Pam]

Not for all...not for me anyway. I remember when acceptance was still dark and dreary, and that even though I accepted my loved one's loss, I could still not manage gratitude. I accepted the fact that I was in a deep dark hole, feeling as if I was smacked from behind.

Gratitude didn't come until I oculd see the light of the next day, just a hint of light at the top of the hole, and was the only reason that I put my leg up, to pull myself up out of the hole.

[doodledink]

I agree Pam. I accepted my losses because I had to in order to continue my own journey, but that didn't mean that I was grateful for the experience at all. The gratitude didn't come until quite a while later when I realized that loss (which is inevitable) leads to growth. I still can't say that I will ever be grateful for the physical loss of my loved ones, because I still miss them. But I AM grateful for my newfound faith and beliefs and the knowing that I have that our relationships now are even more beautiful than they were before their crossings. Each experience has brought many newfound joys to my life that I am eternaly grateful for and I totally agree that gratitude was my final step in greiving each loss.

[Jude]

doodledink, I think you just expressed my own feelings better than I could have done myself!

We've suffered many losses over the last 10 or 12 years -- close family, friends, children of family, and children of friends -- it's been tough. But the one that really took the wind out of my sails was the loss of my sister, 3 years ago.

I agree that the physical loss is something I still deal with, but it is beginning to be overshadowed by my gratitude to my sister, for without her, I wouldn't be where I am today. She literally pointed us in the direction of John Edward, thereby setting us on our path of spiritual discovery.

We often wonder if her passing wasn't part of a bigger plan for the "soul" purpose (pun intended) of igniting our spiritual growth. Her passing has subsequently touched so many lives, all due to our spiritual awakening and enlightenment.

JE (and my sister ;) )may have been the catalyst, but the growth and learning are an ongoing process.

[WPBEAR14]

This may sound really strange, but TX just stated much of what I have been thinking of lately.

From the beginning when TX stated:
But the one that really took the wind out of my sails was the loss of my sister, 3 years ago.
(I lost my sister a little over 3 years ago, too. And it was devastating, we were so close.)

But it took another, less personal loss, to help me really deal with my sister's loss.
I agree that the physical loss is something I still deal with, but it is beginning to be overshadowed by my gratitude to my sister, for without her, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I made a little "remembrance cubical" in the top of my computer desk and I keep finding things to fill it with.

My mom and I freely talk about her, because she is "with us" always.

We often wonder if her passing wasn't part of a bigger plan for the "soul" purpose (pun intended) of igniting our spiritual growth. Her passing has subsequently touched so many lives, all due to our spiritual awakening and enlightenment.

JE (and my sister )may have been the catalyst, but the growth and learning are an ongoing process.

TX, I still can't believe you wrote what you did, since it is how I feel ,too.

WE ARE ONE!

Love, light, and peace,
POOH

[Jude]

(((((Pooh)))))

I'd like to hear more about your "remembrance cubicle" -- it sounds very interesting!