Humor: GIRL POWER!!!!

[Pam]

GIRL POWER!!!!



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to December. Females retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
:lwink:

[VTFlowerGirl]

Santa Is Most Definitely Female

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy
could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a she, no one in the universe would ever wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under
the tree, still in the shopping bag, with a "clearance sale" price tag still attached. Another problem for a he-Santa would be
getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended to flying deer; and Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist to be wall-mounted.

Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd have other transportation problems, because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man include:

-Men can't pack a bag.

-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves in costume.

-Men don't answer their mail.

-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

-Men aren't interested in stockings unless some TV or Hollywood starlet is wearing them.

-Having to do the "Ho! Ho! Ho!" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a serious commitment.

The fact is that other mythical holiday characters have to be men:

-Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.

-Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the male testosterone screening test, but not Santa, because it's clear he's a she with
unique style.

----------------------------
Another prize found in my computer files, I only wish I knew who the author is.

[karma]

I am ROTFL!!! That is so funny and so true. TY both for the laugh.

[Pam]

And you thought you heard all the male-bashing Christmas jokes there were to be heard.....I have one more:


Perfect?

=--=

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of the survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)







































The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

[Fairiedust]

Ohhh...you guys are bad, <grin>

BUT, keep em comin. This IS the season to be jolly, however we get to that point.

I'll try to steer Don clear of this thread to save his tender feelings. I think I can keep him occupied. <grin>

FD

[Gypsy]

You guys are too much. I too was ROTFL. I needed it too. My daughter and grandson left for California after a 2 week visit and I was feeling kind of down. Thanks for the laughs!

Gypsy

[Gail]

Thought this one was pretty funny.

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".
======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based-Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!
=======================================================

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas


_________________________________________________

[lilymuff]

Girls,
I am still ROTFLOL!!!! Those were hilarious. I laugh so little now a days so please know that this means a lot to me. Thank you so much.:D :D :D

[Farmer Kathy]

Thanks so much everybody--Gail had a couple of good belly laughs over that one.

Tis the season to be jolly:D

Kathy